Anderson Cooper’s grand coming out last week met with a yawn by the Told-Ya-So public. I had a different reaction. I immediately checked to see if he was a new member on Plenty of Fish.
Yes, I am well aware that it is unhealthy to crush on celebrities who don’t live in the same country, much less the same
rural area. But I’m the same guy who
thinks that rescuing slugs from my driveway will bring good karma in the way of
a modest lottery win. (Don’t need $50
mil; 3 or 4 will do, thank you.)
Until Anderson stepped out, I’d made very good progress on detaching from such crushes. I haven’t thought of Parker Stevenson in at least a month and I’m steering clear all screenings of “Magic Mike”. I’ve found the best way to deal with visual taunts from Hugh Jackman is to accept that he is indeed a happy heterosexual who innocently steals jobs from gays on Broadway. As for the gay Green Lantern, I’m told by reliable sources it’s not Ryan Reynolds; in fact, he’s apparently a complete work of fiction. Good to know.
But then Anderson came along and upset the balance of my sad single life. Yes, Andy—no, scratch that...can’t see you as anyone but Anderson...or maybe Coop...or, after we split a bottle of wine, Cooper Anderson—you are my great white-haired hope. I’d endure the heat of Atlanta for you. I’d endure a spate of anecdotes about Larry King’s days on CNN and jealous rants about that scoop stealer, Christiane Amanpour. I’d even travel to a war-torn country with you. (A guy with your clout can rent the pope-mobile, right?)
Don’t dismiss me so quickly, my blue-eyed beau. We have so much in common, Coop. Your maternal grandfather was a railroad heir and mine worked the trains—not sure his exact role, but he’d wave from the caboose while passing by our summer cottage. If our train stories don’t connect, we could just listen to Train. Maybe amuse ourselves over the ending to “SaveMe San Francisco”.
We were both born in the 60s. Presumably, you were also heavily influenced by the late 70s/early 80s. That means you should be able to relate to all my references to pre-schmaltzy Rod Stewart (shockingly, at one time, I did think he was sexy), “The Bionic Woman” and, yes, Parker Stevenson.
We both have vowels in our names. And consonants!
Moms love me. Gloria will, too. My eventual prom date wore Gloria Vanderbilt jeans on our first date. (Yes, Anderson, I succumbed to high school dating peer pressure. I was just thankful that those tight pants stood between me and All Things Girly—or at least one thing girly. How many girly things are there, I’m really not sure.) I’ll ooh and aah convincingly as I view her latest paintings. In no time, your lovely mother will permit me to call her Glo, just as Kathy Griffin does. (And, yes, Kathy and I are sure to hit it off. She was clearly the best thing about “Suddenly Susan”. Sorry, Brooke. And ex-crush Nestor.)
I’ll never belittle your giggle, snort and all. In fact, I’ll relish it, even encourage it. (Maybe we can read Green Lantern comics together. They’re supposed to be funny, aren’t they?)
Yes, Anderson, the fact is, I am gay, too. And now all my years of being single are beginning to make sense. I just needed to wait for you. Surely you’re not considering a famous boyfriend. Clay Aiken? If only he could stay “Invisible”. Boy George? You’ll never get any counter space in the bathroom. And don’t ever get in a car with George Michael at the wheel.
Call me, Anderson. You’re guaranteed more than a maybe in return.